Wakes me up in the middle of the night.
It messes with my hormones.
It helps me do things I’d rather not do, instead of just not doing them.
It makes people I don’t like more bearable, instead of spending my time with others who I like.
It makes the truth of my life less truthful.
It makes anxiety softer and pain weaker…
But pain has a purpose and needs to be felt.
It makes a life that needs changing more sustainable.
It makes mediocrity acceptable.
It keeps me in jobs, relationships, and situations much longer than is authentic.
It blurs the lines of what my emotional life is revealing.
It makes me weaker at enduring negative emotion.
And I know that the ability to feel my negative and positive emotion is what makes me feel alive and what drives me to action.
It makes me say things I don’t want to say.
It makes me act in ways I don’t want to act.
And I have the option of having it.
I can drink to make something more bearable.
I can drink to get drunk and not care.
I can lean on it as a crutch.
I can use it to have some fun.
I can participate in the ritual of it.
I can enjoy it if I want.
I just need to learn how to have it in my life without any of the negative results I don’t want.
I have to learn how to manage my mind so I’m deciding consciously and on purpose and not by some default reflex.
I want to use it to make my life better, not worse.
I want to use it for me, not against me.
I want to have it on my terms.
I decide when, why, how often, and how.
I have complete control.